Bismillah
11 weeks 2 days.
The time I have with you.
Siapa yang tak happy bila tahu dah pregnant balik.
Obviously I am too happy.
It has been 2 years plus since my firstborn.
So we did expect for another new comer.
Tapi, Allah adalah planner yang paling baik.
30-April-18
First day of Pink Book dengan KKIA and frist scan.
Age: 7 weeks
Dr ada mention, fetus is slightly smaller than age.
Supposed around 5 week 2 days.
Re-scan date provided.
15-May-18
Age: 8 weeks 5 days
Dr mention, unable to appreciate fetus.
Sebab she cannot detect heartbeat.
And again re-scan date provided.
Then, I experience series of spotted.
Sikit-sikit and warna coklat.
Off and on, hari ni ada, esok takda.
Next day macam heavy, following day takda.
Until, few days of heavy brown spot.
Then tiba-tiba ada fresh blood.
I terus refer ke GH.
28-May-18
Age: 11 weeks 2 days
At GH ePAC, Dr scan and inform.
Kantung is no more in good shape.
Its not round, its already bersegi-segi.
And, he confirm, baby dah takda lagi.
He give me date, untuk cuci rahim.
I is sedih gila yang amat.
I cannot say a word, tengok muka hubs terus nangis je.
Sebab, cuma this little time that we have dengan dia.
But I guess Allah dah tulis, its not now.
Sadly, Dr yg deliver news tu for me is kejam.
Dengan situasi emosi I macam tu, dia boleh kata.
Sorry maam, kita tak boleh bagi MC.
Sebab puan takda bleeding teruk.
So, Im robot isit, heartless?
Then the whole day I spent locking myself in room.
Kejap-kejap nangis.
That is the beginning I really understand yg I is sangat susah nak move on.
Although, kita dah dapat series of notification.
But then, all yg I refer to had failed to produce solution.
They only kata, if fresh blood then pergi hospital.
But by then, its already is too late.
31-May-18
Age: -
It was night, I dah tidurkan anak.
After bath, then I experience this series of pain.
Contraction, makin lama makin kuat.
2 3x trip ke toilet, these heavy blood clot come off.
Makin lama makin pekat.
I still ok, masih boleh bergerak.
Until, I dont remember trip keberapa.
I stayed in room.
Screaming inside out.
I just hope I can see it for the last time.
I phoned my hubs, pukul 12:00
I asked him to come home.
But after 1 hour pun dia x sampai lagi.
I phoned him again, dalam hati like serious I nak maki.
Kenapa tak balik lagi.
But I is dah takda kuasa nak cari gaduh that time.
I just said, "balik, baby nak keluar"
Just right around 40 to 50 minutes after.
The last clot come off.
And, its it.
I is dah tak boleh gerak, terus lay down.
On those blood bath, I dont care anymore.
Just the hubs arrived, and dia masuk tengok blood bath tu.
Baru nak nampak muka cuak dia.
He get me a container and I keep the fetus in.
Sempat I hold it for a while, and tengok keadaan dia.
Kecil pada mata kasar, but very big in my heart.
And this small pun I dah macam nak mati.
Agaknya yg miscarriage later in pregnancy tu macam mana lah.
After 30 mins or so, lepas dah abit kuat.
I mula tukar baju, and get some cloth packed in.
We went to GH around 3 plus morning.
Dr buat internal exam, and dia confirm no residual.
Semua dah keluar.
Nurse yg record case tu boleh pulak dia tanya soalan,
Macam mana puan tahu yang ini adalah fetus?
I is tengah brain soalan dia tu.
Misi, this is the solid form I see coming out of me.
And ada plasenta dekat sini, along side dengan fetus.
Then she just said, ok, this will be sent to lab.
If ada anything abnormal, will give you a call.
Then, since no need to stay in.
Dr inject this one med, kata nya utk kecutkan rahim.
So, we head home.
-----
I cuti 10 hari start that Friday, until next Friday.
Panggil tukang urut datang untuk urut.
And get days of rest.
Walaupun sometime, tears akan datang all of sudden.
Out of no where, tiba-tiba.
But insyallah, Ill be better in time.
In loving memory of my unborn.
But I guess Allah dah tulis, its not now.
Sadly, Dr yg deliver news tu for me is kejam.
Dengan situasi emosi I macam tu, dia boleh kata.
Sorry maam, kita tak boleh bagi MC.
Sebab puan takda bleeding teruk.
So, Im robot isit, heartless?
Then the whole day I spent locking myself in room.
Kejap-kejap nangis.
That is the beginning I really understand yg I is sangat susah nak move on.
Although, kita dah dapat series of notification.
But then, all yg I refer to had failed to produce solution.
They only kata, if fresh blood then pergi hospital.
But by then, its already is too late.
31-May-18
Age: -
It was night, I dah tidurkan anak.
After bath, then I experience this series of pain.
Contraction, makin lama makin kuat.
2 3x trip ke toilet, these heavy blood clot come off.
Makin lama makin pekat.
I still ok, masih boleh bergerak.
Until, I dont remember trip keberapa.
I stayed in room.
Screaming inside out.
I just hope I can see it for the last time.
I phoned my hubs, pukul 12:00
I asked him to come home.
But after 1 hour pun dia x sampai lagi.
I phoned him again, dalam hati like serious I nak maki.
Kenapa tak balik lagi.
But I is dah takda kuasa nak cari gaduh that time.
I just said, "balik, baby nak keluar"
Just right around 40 to 50 minutes after.
The last clot come off.
And, its it.
I is dah tak boleh gerak, terus lay down.
On those blood bath, I dont care anymore.
Just the hubs arrived, and dia masuk tengok blood bath tu.
Baru nak nampak muka cuak dia.
He get me a container and I keep the fetus in.
Sempat I hold it for a while, and tengok keadaan dia.
Kecil pada mata kasar, but very big in my heart.
And this small pun I dah macam nak mati.
Agaknya yg miscarriage later in pregnancy tu macam mana lah.
After 30 mins or so, lepas dah abit kuat.
I mula tukar baju, and get some cloth packed in.
We went to GH around 3 plus morning.
Dr buat internal exam, and dia confirm no residual.
Semua dah keluar.
Nurse yg record case tu boleh pulak dia tanya soalan,
Macam mana puan tahu yang ini adalah fetus?
I is tengah brain soalan dia tu.
Misi, this is the solid form I see coming out of me.
And ada plasenta dekat sini, along side dengan fetus.
Then she just said, ok, this will be sent to lab.
If ada anything abnormal, will give you a call.
Then, since no need to stay in.
Dr inject this one med, kata nya utk kecutkan rahim.
So, we head home.
-----
I cuti 10 hari start that Friday, until next Friday.
Panggil tukang urut datang untuk urut.
And get days of rest.
Walaupun sometime, tears akan datang all of sudden.
Out of no where, tiba-tiba.
But insyallah, Ill be better in time.
In loving memory of my unborn.
